I'm going thru the hardest time in my life, I had to deal with the death of relatives in the past, life is life... but this month, I lost, on the 4th, the son of one of my best friends, a 9 month old baby, who I was godfather to. That was/is something I wasn't expecting (though he had cardiac issues and died after a heart surgery, but we were nothing but optimistic about it and it did come to everybody as a huge shock) nor I was prepared, I'm best friends with the father of the baby, and really good friends with the mother, so is my girlfriend (we are all really good friends). I loved that baby, as I love the parents, so is not only dealing with the initial shock but with the grieving of everyone, and I guess losing a son is not something u can ever fully recover, so far you would think this is enough to be depressed, wouldn't you?
Well, June didn't end and neither the death row, Sunday morning, 8:20am to be precise, I was sleeping over at my girlfriend's house, when the phone rang, WTF? Sunday mornings are supposed to be used to sleep IMO, my gf answered the phone, and passed it right to me, it was my mom, who was hysterical, she instantly reminded me of the time she called me for help when my grandmother was dying... And I guess the memories were the right ones. She said my father was having stroke, that she called 911 and the paramedics were trying to bring him back, she also started CPR on him before they arrived and he didn't respond (she knew what she was doing as she has medical training, being an oral surgeon) but he wasn't responding to hers or to the paramedics, I hung up the phone put on my clothes in like 30 seconds, left my gf there under the promise that I'll call her to let her know how everything turns out. In a matter of 13 minutes I managed to get a cab, tell him to rush the fuck up, and get home before the usual 30 mins it takes to get there from my gf's. I got there just in time to catch the last 10 mins of attempts to bring my dad back, he was pronounced dead at 8:43am, at the age of 63, he was diabetic, but fully controlled and that wasn't an issue, he wasn't ill or anything, this just happened, out of the blue.
He was the best father I could possibly imagine or ask for, I always got the feeling that I wasn't living up to what he gave me as a father or taught me, I have so many regrets, I would have loved to have him with me for so many things I have to go thru yet, getting married, making him a grandfather, see him proud of me for getting a degree (which I should have by now, but I changed majors a couple of times and I'm a lazy fuck), he loved to travel and go to new places, I would have loved to take him to Europe as his translator as he didn't speak english.
I would have also loved to say to him, only once, that I loved him, as I never did, we didn't have that kind of relationship, as he was sort of old fashioned and I'm not that open about my feelings either, we both loved each other, we just never said it, still, I regret that the most, and will regret it until the day I die, if any of you are in the same position but still have ur dad around, please do it, tell your dad that you love him.
I'm still kind of in a shock (and from what I get around here, so are my mom and my only brother), a moment I get distracted, another one I can't stop crying, its probably stupid to post this to a bunch of people I'll never meet on the internet, but I just felt like letting what I had inside of me out.
Later.
Wednesday
Tuesday
Thursday
Saturday
Monday
Sunday
Monkey Wrench
One last thing before I quitI never wanted any more than I could fit
Into my head I still remember every single word
You said and all the shit that somehow came along with it
Still theres one thing that comforts me since I was
Always caged and now I'm free!
